A man called his neighbor to help him move a chair that had become stuck in the doorway. They pushed and pulled until they were exhausted, but the chair wouldn’t budge. “Forget it,” the man finally said, “We’ll never get this in.”

The neighbor looked at him with a confused expression and said, “In? I thought we were trying to get the chair out!”

Clear communication is very important. This is especially true for married couples. Do you ever feel like you and your spouse are working against each other? Do you ever feel like your spouse just does not understand you?

“Therefore a man leaves his father and mother and embraces his wife. They become one flesh.” Genesis 2:24

When God created Adam and Eve, He created them to be each other’s perfect partner in life. He intended for them to complement each other perfectly as they worked together in the garden. But this kind of perfect partnership doesn’t happen instantly on your wedding day. It takes patience and good communication to learn how to work together as one. So here are five ideas for how you and your spouse can communicate better:

Learn to Listen

All of us, men and women, have got to learn to listen patiently. This is not easy. Sometimes we assume we understand what our spouse is saying. Instead of really listening to them when they are talking, we get distracted and think about other things.

Your spouse’s thoughts and feelings are important. Give time to listen to him or her. Stop doing other things, be quiet, and really listen. Don’t let your mind wander. Listen so that you can really understand what your spouse is trying to say. This shows respect.

In many married couples there is one person who is more verbal than the other. Usually it is the woman who talks the most, but sometimes it is the man who talks more. Which are you? If you are the one who tends to talk more, it’s important to learn good listening skills and sometimes give your spouse time to talk. If you are filling the air with words, your spouse won’t be able to share.

Risk going deeper

If we want to truly understand another person, we need to communicate at a deeper level. This takes time and can feel risky because it touches on our deepest emotions. There are several levels of communication. Good communication between couples gradually moves to deeper levels.

• Quick sayings: When we communicate in quick saying, we really aren’t sharing anything about ourselves. It’s all on the surface, like when we ask, “Have you eaten yet,” or say, “Please buy eggs.” It’s easy to communicate at this level because we don’t have to share anything truly personal.
• Fact: Sometimes we communicate simple facts in conversation. For example, if your spouse asks, “What did you this morning,” and you answer “I went to the market,” that is a simple factual answer. This kind of communication is also not very personal.
• Opinion: An opinion moves beyond basic facts. An opinion is what we think about those facts. This is more personal. Instead of “I went to the market,” we might also say, “Our market really needs to get fixed up. In the rainy season it’s very difficult to walk through it.”
• Emotion: When we share our personal feelings we really begin sharing about ourselves. The risk increases, but so does the emotional connection with the other person as we allow them a glimpse at what is inside us. For example, “I hate going to the market this time of year. I dread it everyday. It’s so difficult to get around that I really worry about slipping and falling.”
• Transparency: Full transparency is the riskiest level of communication, because it’s here that our heart is laid bare for another to see. We fear sharing at this depth because there is a chance we will be rejected when the person sees who we really are. 

For example, “I really want to organize our church to fix up the market, but I feel so inferior. I don’t know if anyone would listen to me.”

The deeper we go, the more intimate our relationships become. A good marriage is one in which the couple is continuously growing in transparent communication. As you listen and get to know your spouse’s innermost thoughts and feelings, you’ll likely grow in your desire to be with them.

Seek clarification instead of getting frustrated

Have you and your spouse ever had an argument, only to discover that the fight was just over a simple misunderstanding?

Fights can grow when we don’t first make effort to clarify what the other person is really trying to say. Sometimes we assume we understand, when we actually don’t. It’s important to clarify. Clarifying is simply saying, “If I hear you correctly, you are saying this…” Then the other person can say “No, I didn’t mean that, I meant this….” The spouse has a chance to clarify and make sure they are understood. Don’t assume you understand your spouse’s feelings right away. Take time to clarify and make sure you understand, so you both don’t end up frustrated later!

Remember: Different opinions are not wrong

Men and women are different…. And that’s okay. We often have different opinions from our family members, friends, neighbors and (yes) our spouses. It doesn’t always mean that one of us is wrong.

Sometimes in a marriage, every area of disagreement automatically becomes a battle. It becomes a contest, with each partner trying to prove that they are right. Remember: It’s okay to have different opinions. Sometimes there are decisions that you absolutely need to agree on and you’ll have to work to come to agreement. But sometimes we get into fights over little things that we just don’t have to agree on. We start fights just because we want to win, or we want to lay blame on the other person. Stop! Think about what is more important – Do you want to win a fight or do you want to have harmony in your home?

Resolve disagreements at your best times

There are good times and bad times to try to solve a disagreement. Fights get worse when you are tired or in a bad mood. Don’t try to solve a disagreement when it’s 11:00 at night, or minutes before one of you is rushing to get somewhere.

We will reach agreements more quickly if we do it at our best times. Find a time that is good for both of you to sit down and talk. Miscommunication and disagreements get resolved much more quickly and peacefully when we are well-rested and prepared to work at it together.

Learning to communicate with your spouse is a process. Yes, sometimes it feels like we are speaking different languages! But over time and with effort, we can learn to understand one another better and better. Husbands and wives can become more united and able to serve God better when they take time to communicate.

Challenge for the Month

If you want to communicate better with your spouse, you need to set aside time for it. This month, set aside a specific time just for listening and sharing with your spouse. It could be a morning, an afternoon, or an evening. Make sure there are no distractions:

• Turn off the TV and the phone.
• Don’t do any other work while you’re trying to talk.
• If you have young children, see if a neighbor or family member can watch them while you take time with your spouse.
• You might want to get out of the house if there are too many distractions there. Go for a walk or go someplace where you can talk easily.

Article adapted from FamilyLife Canada.

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